Good Citizens

Here in New York City we’ve learned that not only is the national government spying on us, but our local police are as well. In order to do our part so that less taxpayer money is spent on the difficult task of launching surveillance operations in a city of 8 million, I suggest that likely surveillance candidates* make it easier for the police by volunteering information. Instead of using city money to go through the trouble of looking for you, when you see a policeman, consider spending a few minutes to update them as to your activities. If you rarely see policemen during your daily routine, call your local precinct or 311 (the city information line)
with updates.

Morning conversations might proceed like this:
NYer: Hello Officer ______!
Officer: Hello Miss.
NYer: I just wanted to let you know that I’m on my way to work. I might take the 2 train, but if the 1 comes faster I might get on that instead because my office really isn’t that far anyway. Then I’ll probably stop at the deli on the corner of 47th and 8th and buy a bagel. Don’t worry, if I also have a cup when I leave, it’s because I decided to buy coffee too.
Look of confusion on Officer ______. Frustrated, he begins to walk away, but NYer follows him down the street.
NYer (cont’d): Then I’ll walk down the west side of 8th for a few blocks. Are you writing this down? Now just to warn you, I might decide to walk on the east side if the lights work out that way. You know what, I’ll call the precinct on my cell phone if I decide to cross the street so don’t worry about that.
Officer _____ gives NYer a disbelieving look.
NYer (cont’d): No really, I will. Now I work till about 4:30 on Fridays, so I’ll probably hop back on the train and head home around then. I might…but don’t hold you breath…stop at Gristedes on the way home if I need some milk. But I also might not. It’s still a mystery to me at this point so I can’t give you an answer right now. If anything else changes, I’ll let the precinct know.
Grumbling, Officer ______ gives a faint smile and waves goodbye. NYer pats the officer on the shoulder.
NYer (cont’d): Have a great morning. See you tonight!
NYer gives a friendly wave.

An evening conversation might progress more like this:
The long line of people in front of Officer ______, waiting to update him about their evening plans, seems like it is not moving. NYer decides to call the precinct.
Sixth Precinct: Hello, sixth precinct. How many I help you?
NYer: Officer _____ is busy so I just wanted to let you know that I may have dinner with John tonight, but if he doesn’t call by 6pm I might just go to dinner with Tim at…
SP: Excuse me Miss, how can I help you?
NYer: …at Da Silvano’s, if we can get in. If John does call, we’ll probably go to John’s Pizza instead, since he’s a more casual kind of guy.
SP: Miss, is there something you need?
NYer: Please write this down! I told you, Officer ______ is busy right now. In any case, I’ll probably be home by about 10, and I plan to stay in for the evening after dinner. If I get a phone call…well, you’ll know if I get a phone call. But if I do, I might be persuaded to go for a drink with Jeremy, in which case please do not slip that information to John, since he doesn’t know about Jeremy. I’ll call again if there is a change of plans. Have a nice evening.
NYer hangs up her phone and waves to Officer _____ as she turns towards home.

With a system like this underway, the money the city is spending on surveillance operations can be put to good use funding the schools or giving city workers a raise. Just a helpful suggestion from a local good samaritan!

*Likely candidates would include anybody who has ever professed doubt in relation to the war in Iraq, anybody who owns a bicycle and is therefore threatening to practice environmentally friendly activities, and anybody who has lived for more than 5 years or is over the age of 40 in the following neighborhoods: Greenwich Village, the Upper West Side, Chelsea, Hell’s Kitchen, SoHo, TriBeCa, Brooklyn Heights, Park Slope, and the part of the Upper East Side that is really, really far east.