Lessons

No more handing over the T.V. in the middle of the day. Especially the middle of a rainy day when you are busily [not] doing work in front of the T.V. Doing this is just asking for trouble.

You know how sometimes you are sitting by yourself on a rainy day and thinking “Wow, I’d really like somebody to come by and distract me right now. Somebody I could complain to about how it’s raining out and I’m stuck at home writing papers (code: reading celebrity gossip with an empty page on MS word sitting there, open and hassling me).” We’ve all had those moments. Well, I’ve been taught a lesson about wishing for company that I think is worth alerting my adoring public to. Apparently, when you are truly bored, you have to be extremely discriminating concerning whose company you would actually accept. Otherwise, your boredom gets compounded, and your brain actually begins to eat itself. If you begin to feel like any random friend would be a welcome distraction, think about what will happen when your most boring friend (we all have one) comes along and proceeds to make you watch a really sad but poorly done documentary about sexually abused women all the while making blatantly obvious statements without so much as a deadpan expression for comedic effect. Here are things we should all avoid doing during documentaries:
1. If you are watching a sad movie or documentary, you should refrain from repeatedly saying something along the lines of “wow, this is sad.” Obviously it is sad. The pictures of sexually abused, haggard, desperately poor women on the front the box didn’t alert you to this possibility? Constantly commenting on the sadness….well that’s a trite thing to do, and a waste of air. And rude, since (A) you clearly aren’t supposed to talk through a truly sad movie. You are supposed to be busy reflecting on your own sadness and sizing up how it compares, in case it comes up later. (B) If it’s a stupid sad movie, you are of course required to talk though the entire thing, but only in the mocking sense. This obliges you to have a sufficiently dark sense of humor. If you don’t, you have no business watching a poorly done sad documentary.
2. Watching a sad documentary is one thing. Watching a sad heartwarming documentary is unacceptable. And if you do end up in an unavoidable heartwarming-docu.-watching situation, you should avoid making statements like “wow, this is heartwarming,” or “this is so beautiful,” or “those poor handicapped children have overcome so much adversity in order to be top notch needlepoint makers, and what have I done? Nothing.” You should also avoid making that “I’m about to cry but don’t want to surrender to the feeling” face. Feeling warm and fuzzy among the kinds of people you might find watching heartwarming documentaries is a hazard. If you can’t control the feeling, at least don’t offer supporting words or hug anybody. That’s just corny.

I'm learning every day about how to navigate the world when boring people are around. Boring people persistently commit these faux-pas. On one recent occasion, I had close calls with emerging tears, warm fuzzy feelings, self-loathing speeches, and blatant statement-making about how sad and serious the movie was. That was until we turned the movie off because somebody wanted to watch the rest of Dr. Phil.
No more surrendering the T.V. during daytime programming. Especially if it’s raining, because then you’re stuck. I’m sticking to Mad About You reruns and that’s all.
-Esmee